Iwanski Rules

On Sunday, I hinted about a list of “Iwanski rules” that exists. This is absolutely true. The list of rules that Iwanski has is seemingly endless. But I have picked 15 particularly enjoyable rules (Miss Healthypants REALLY enjoys these rules!) to share with y’all. Here they are. Enjoy!

1. BE CAREFUL. If there ever was a number one Iwanski rule, this is it. He is a very cautious person and strives to avoid carelessness at all times. (See rule #4, the Dreaded Salmonella.)

2. Don’t ever, ever touch the screen on the computer—it will leave greasy fingerprints on the screen—GOD FORBID!!!!

3. “I don’t tell stories on stairs.” This rule, which applies to Iwanski only, was just revealed this past Sunday. I think it’s quite specific (i.e. strange), don’t you?

4. The Dreaded Salmonella—you must be careful to avoid the dreaded salmonella bacteria. It’s absolutely wonderful to hear this repeated over and over again whilst cooking in the kitchen. The funniest part of this rule is that Iwanski, despite his neurotic obsession with avoiding salmonella, accidentally got salmonella food poisoning at the Taste of Chicago last summer. The un-funniest part about it is that Miss Healthypants got salmonella food poisoning, too. Blech!

5. When Miss Healthypants does yoga, she cannot lightly lay one hand on top of the large 32” tv to get her balance. Apparently the immensely heavy tv will tip over from the slightest touch.

6. Waiting in line at any chain restaurant (i.e. Chili’s, TGI Friday’s) is absolutely not allowed. (Note: this rule has occasionally been bent when the wait is 5 minutes or less. But only occasionally.)

7. Be careful to never, ever inconvenience anybody. Ever. Even if it’s zero degrees out, it’s better to stand in the freezing cold waiting for a train, rather than getting a ride from someone (even if the person is insisting over and over again that they want to drive you).

8. Don’t cut anybody’s hair when you’re drunk. Probably a good rule. Buck knows this rule very well.

9. Don’t electrocute me!—-i.e. no blowdrying of hair in the bathroom while Iwanski is taking a shower. This is strictly forbidden, even if Miss Healthypants is being very careful (see rule #1).

10. Don’t ever leave the house if the toilet is running. If you accidentally leave the house without checking, be sure to open the door and listen in until you’re sure it isn’t running any more.

11. Don’t ever—I repeat ever!—drink from the cup that’s by the sink in the bathroom. Iwanski thinks this is disgusting.

12. After ordering at a restaurant, be sure to wash your hands after touching the menu. You never know who touched the menu before you!

13. While dining in a restaurant, if a tiny morsel of food accidentally falls from your plate and touches the tabletop, don’t even THINK about eating it! This is absolutely not allowed.

14. Watch your purse! Iwanski really likes this rule and repeats it often.

15. If Iwanski is tivo’ing a sports game, and Miss Healthypants sees or hears part of the game, she is not only not allowed to tell him what happened in the game, but she also cannot tell him that she even KNOWS what happened. Iwanski fears that he will begin trying to deduce what happened based on the fact that she knows what happened.

So there you go folks—-the top 15 Iwanski rules. Neurotic? Maybe a tad bit. But at least he amuses me.