Thursday, April 24, 2008

Iwanski Rules

On Sunday, I hinted about a list of “Iwanski rules” that exists. This is absolutely true. The list of rules that Iwanski has is seemingly endless. But I have picked 15 particularly enjoyable rules (Miss Healthypants REALLY enjoys these rules!) to share with y’all. Here they are. Enjoy!

1. BE CAREFUL. If there ever was a number one Iwanski rule, this is it. He is a very cautious person and strives to avoid carelessness at all times. (See rule #4, the Dreaded Salmonella.)

2. Don’t ever, ever touch the screen on the computer—it will leave greasy fingerprints on the screen—GOD FORBID!!!!

3. “I don’t tell stories on stairs.” This rule, which applies to Iwanski only, was just revealed this past Sunday. I think it’s quite specific (i.e. strange), don’t you?

4. The Dreaded Salmonella—you must be careful to avoid the dreaded salmonella bacteria. It’s absolutely wonderful to hear this repeated over and over again whilst cooking in the kitchen. The funniest part of this rule is that Iwanski, despite his neurotic obsession with avoiding salmonella, accidentally got salmonella food poisoning at the Taste of Chicago last summer. The un-funniest part about it is that Miss Healthypants got salmonella food poisoning, too. Blech!

5. When Miss Healthypants does yoga, she cannot lightly lay one hand on top of the large 32” tv to get her balance. Apparently the immensely heavy tv will tip over from the slightest touch.

6. Waiting in line at any chain restaurant (i.e. Chili’s, TGI Friday’s) is absolutely not allowed. (Note: this rule has occasionally been bent when the wait is 5 minutes or less. But only occasionally.)

7. Be careful to never, ever inconvenience anybody. Ever. Even if it’s zero degrees out, it’s better to stand in the freezing cold waiting for a train, rather than getting a ride from someone (even if the person is insisting over and over again that they want to drive you).

8. Don’t cut anybody’s hair when you’re drunk. Probably a good rule. Buck knows this rule very well.

9. Don’t electrocute me!—-i.e. no blowdrying of hair in the bathroom while Iwanski is taking a shower. This is strictly forbidden, even if Miss Healthypants is being very careful (see rule #1).

10. Don’t ever leave the house if the toilet is running. If you accidentally leave the house without checking, be sure to open the door and listen in until you’re sure it isn’t running any more.

11. Don’t ever—I repeat ever!—drink from the cup that’s by the sink in the bathroom. Iwanski thinks this is disgusting.

12. After ordering at a restaurant, be sure to wash your hands after touching the menu. You never know who touched the menu before you!

13. While dining in a restaurant, if a tiny morsel of food accidentally falls from your plate and touches the tabletop, don’t even THINK about eating it! This is absolutely not allowed.

14. Watch your purse! Iwanski really likes this rule and repeats it often.

15. If Iwanski is tivo’ing a sports game, and Miss Healthypants sees or hears part of the game, she is not only not allowed to tell him what happened in the game, but she also cannot tell him that she even KNOWS what happened. Iwanski fears that he will begin trying to deduce what happened based on the fact that she knows what happened.

So there you go folks—-the top 15 Iwanski rules. Neurotic? Maybe a tad bit. But at least he amuses me.


Daisy's Mom said...

I'm with Iwanski on #11.

Watch this video on YouTube:


Buck said...

I'm also really good at hair coloring. Iwanski would definitely be against that!

Can I color your hair Saturday night? Let's see how you'd look with red hair!

Murry said...

I LOL at Iwanski's rules. Let's just say that Andy has a list of 15 rules as well...but, they are very different...but, just as funny! I guess all of us have quirks.

Anonymous said...

Regarding rule 4 - The Dreaded Salmonella - This rule was instilled to all of us Iwanski kids (from Dad). Dad was very cautious about food poisoning. If dinner sat out more than 2 hours after dinner, in the garbage it went. Up until this last Christmas, preparing the Christmas turkey was like preparing an operating room. The "surgeon" (raw turkey handler) gets her hands contaminated while the "assistant" (sterile hands) moves things around, operates the faucet, opens the oven, passes needed untensils, etc all in a quest to avoid cross contamination. Once the turkey is in the oven, the "surgeon" begins the decontamination process for everything that may have come in contact with the turkey or any of its leakage. Why would you do it any differently?

sfoofie said...

rules schmules. I'm totally going to drag him out of the middle of a TIVOed game by first resting one hand on top of the TV and fingerprinting up the beast with my other paw. After inconveniencing him and dragging him out, I'm going to start telling a story on the stairs while handling raw meat. I might accidentally drop some meat creating a slippery surface someone might fall upon. We are going to wait 26 minutes in line at TGIF because I'm fascinated with the inane shit on the walls. Then I'm going to wash the raw meat off in the bathroom next to MHP blowdrying her hair. I will proceed to order off the menu and lick my fingers. OH and I totally know that X Chicago team won by 4 points in an amazing final inning rally! I will proceed to tell Iwanski all about it. Who needs TIVO?

ps: where's my purse?!


Miss Healthypants said...

OMG, you people CRACK me up!!!! LOL, LOL!!

Daisy's Mom--I don't care about the morning meest, I will still brush my teeth in the bathroom!! :)

Buck--I would look awesome with red hair. But Iwanski would not allow drunken hair coloring, either. :)

Murry, I would LOVE to hear some of your hubby's rules!!

Anonymous (you know who you are--and I do, too! *grin*)--that is hilarious. Apparently Iwanski learned his germophobia from your Papa...

Sfoofie, OMG, you are hilarious, girl!! Why do you not do stand-up comedy? John and I laughed so hard at your comment! LOL, LOL!!

Lorraine said...

And after Sfoofie does all that...nope...I got nothin'.

Although this will give entirely new meaning to the blog post label I have which reads, and I quote, "Iwanski rules".

Lorraine said...

I take that back. I don't have a label that says "Iwanski rules". I have one that says "Iwanski is brilliant". Totally different. I apologize for the confusion.

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