Thursday, June 26, 2008

Kinda Excited

Tonight, I have to do something that I haven’t done in at least 5 years.

I have to work on my resume.

No, I didn’t lose my job—quite the contrary! I’m actually applying for a new job. And I’m very excited about it. OK, so it’s in the same department where I currently work, and if I get the job, I’ll still be working for my current boss.

But still! Change can be really exciting. This particular position is a Customer Service Manager position…and I really enjoy customer service. So when this opportunity recently arose, I knew I had to go for it.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I Almost Forgot...

I almost forgot, Iwanski and I also enjoyed some quality (both of the good and bad variety) karaoke on Saturday night at a bar in the Dells.

Iwanski entertained the crowd with his renditions of East Bound and Down, and Whiskey Bent and Hell Bound. He also ruffled the feathers of the country music crowd with a rap song. That was fun!

I decided to sing “Dancing Queen” (which I love, and often refer to as “my song”) and “Harper Valley PTA,” a good old rebellious country song.

It was a blast. And we weren’t even that drunk!

My Least Favorite Part of the Weekend

As much as I love nature, I hate bugs. I mean, I really hate them. I LOATHE them. In fact, I go through extraordinary lengths to avoid them—like spraying my entire body with bug spray, putting on clothes, and then spraying all over my clothes with bug spray. This is one of the reasons I love living 21 stories up. There aren’t many bugs up there!

But because I love to take walks in the woods, I occasionally run across a bug or two. If a bug ever comes near me, my usual reaction is to freak out and flail my arms about, screaming, while Iwanski stands there, staring at me in amusement. (OK, sometimes he’ll help pick the bug off my skin, if I scream for long enough.)

So this weekend, when we were leaving the boat from our Wisconsin Dells boat tour and I felt a picking sensation in my rear-end, I headed straight to the bathroom to check it out. Pulling down my pants, I shrieked. A spider was crawling around in my underwear! I began shaking my clothes furiously, screaming like a banchee, while the spider danced around, trying to get his footing, and eventually (finally!) dropped to the floor and scuttled under the empty toilet paper tube that was lying there.

I kept shaking my clothes—I wanted to make sure there were no more spiders in there—and finally I pulled up my pants and high-tailed it out of the bathroom to go tell Iwanski the horror I had just experienced.

So yeah, there was a spider crawling around in my underwear. That was definitely the worst part of my weekend.

Happy Weekend

Guess where Iwanski and I went for a long weekend?

You’ll never guess…

Yes, that’s right, we once again traveled beyond the Cheddar Curtain. (We must really like cheese!) This time we went to Wisconsin Dells, one of our favorite places on earth and the place where we had our honeymoon twelve years ago when we were young and poor. I love the touristy crap, while Iwanski has a strong affinity to the great outdoors. Well, actually, we both enjoy the beautiful forests and hills of Wisconsin. But this time we didn’t travel there specifically for the nature or the tourist crap.

We traveled there to see Willie Nelson in concert. And oh, what a show he put on! Honestly, the man is 75 years old, and he performed for two hours straight, without one break! And the man’s got SKEELS. He can play the guitar like none other—I could have listened to him for another two hours. It was just fabulous.

And to top it all off, he graciously ended the show by coming over to the audience and shaking people’s hands and signing autographs. I have never seen a performer—especially one of his caliber—do this. He really seemed like a genuinely nice guy.

And although I tried to shake his hand, I was a bit too far away…but Iwanski—the lucky bum!—got right up there and shook his hand. Actually, I’m glad that if one of us shook his hand, it was Iwanski. For a guitar novice who’s currently taking lessons, to shake the hand of a guitar legend like Willie Nelson—well, that was positively magical.

It was just a beautiful evening. We even got to see Willie’s son, Lucas, perform with his band (40 Points) as an opening act and also later with his father’s band. And let me tell you, the guitar-playing talent runs in the family. Lucas played a kick-ass guitar and after the concert, I told him just that! He was in the lobby signing autographs, and I said to him, “Dude, you were awesome!” He just smiled and said thank you, and then turned to sign the next autograph. He seemed to be just as real and nice as his father.

Sigh…I couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful night—or weekend!

Besides the concert, my favorite parts of the weekend were taking a Dells boat ride along the scenic Wisconsin river, visiting the Wisconsin Deer Park where we fed and pet some really friendly deer, and walking in the woods with my favorite person in the whole world.

That’s right, Iwanski and I spent four days straight together and never got sick of each other. We enjoyed every minute of the weekend together and made some wonderful memories. I feel very lucky right now.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Cats VS Wii

Well, it’s been two whole weeks, and the Wii Fit and I have become good friends. We see each other every day, and it tells me I’m doing a good job. (I have yet to be chastised. I’m dreading that day.)

But there is one problem.

Our cats have decided that the Wii Fit is their worst enemy.

Hattie the cat has a particular hatred of it. You see, before the arrival of W.F., I would do a bit of exercise every morning (I am Miss Healthypants, after all), and then I sat on the floor and stretched my hamstrings. As I stretched, I would pet Hattie, and she would roll around the floor purring and chirping in sheer ecstacy.

Now the Wii Fit has changed all that. Now, instead of stretching on the floor, I do standing yoga poses on the Wii balance board. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it, but it’s pretty difficult to pet a cat while you’re balancing on one leg and stretching your arms into the air.

So now Hattie has taken to throwing herself on the floor right in front of me as I exercise, rolling around and crying like a newborn baby. The poor thing.

And to make it worse, because of this recent lack of attention, Hattie also has begun to wake us up every morning at least an hour earlier than normal with her pathetic cries.

It is quite annoying. But I guess it’s good practice for (hopefully) being a parent someday.

So this morning, I stretched on the floor and pet Hattie for a good ten minutes while she rolled around, chirping feverishly. And tonight, I’ll do the same. Hopefully it will placate the silly little cat.

She’s just lucky she’s cute. That’s her saving grace.

As for the other cat, Autumn, she also blames the Wii Fit for the recent lack of attention paid to her. This morning, while I was doing jacknife sit-ups and placing my feet on the balance board, Autumn came right along and plopped her butt down on the board.

The Wii Fit went crazy. My personal trainer said “you’re a little off-balance.” No kidding! I shoved Autumn off, and she responded with an extremely loud hiss. (I’m pretty sure she was hissing at the Wii Fit, and not me.)

So later I also spent some time with her, petting her and telling her what a good girl she is.

Man, those cats have it made. They never do anything important or noteworthy, and yet they’re always getting positive accolades.

I want to be reincarnated as a cat.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Best and the Worst

Iwanski and I recently Tivo’d the AFI’s 10 Top 10 Movies. It is amazing to realize how many truly wonderful movies have been made. It’s also amazing to realize how many of those movies I haven’t seen! I now have a list of movies I must see. You wanna know what they are? Okay, I’ll tell you.

2001: A Space Odyssey
Jerry Maguire
The Hustler
The Maltese Falcon
It Happened One Night
The Philadelphia Story
Roman Holiday

*Yes, I’ve seen Caddyshack—like 50 times. But I must see it again! I think it’s hilarious.

You know, when I look at this list, it’s really sad to think of all the movies I HAVE seen instead of these 10 movies. For example:

--Problem Child (I wanted to kill the kid in this movie. Why did I ever think I’d like it?)

--Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (This movie is so bad, Iwanski and I couldn’t even finish watching it.)

--Talladega Nights (I love Will Ferrell, but I thought this movie was particularly stupid, even for him.)

--Clifford (Iwanski loves this movie. I LOATHE it. Martin Short is extremely creepy and annoying as a young child.)

--The Flintstones (Transforming cartoon characters into human characters = bad idea.)

--Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (Yes, I rented the sequel. I think Jim Carrey’s hilarious, but I just couldn’t sit through this one.)

--Little Nicky (Some funny acting, but a dumb plot, and I just couldn’t get over Adam Sandler’s weird-sounding voice.)

--Lord of The Rings (I don’t care what anyone says—I could not WAIT for this movie to end. It was SO dreadfully boring. Just get to the ring, already!!)

--Freddy Got Fingered (Iwanski actually likes this movie. He’s a little crazy like that.)

--Mannequin (I actually loved this silly movie, but I was 13. Give me a break.)

Man, I’ve seen quite a bit of silly and/or bad movies. But I gotta think, if I wasn’t watching these movies, what would I have been doing?

At 13, I would probably have been paging through one of my Mom’s Danielle Steel books, trying to find the sex scenes. Nowadays, I’d probably just be surfing the net or drinking a beer.

So really, watching these movies saved me from being a perverse alcoholic internet addict…right?

Monday, June 16, 2008

Why I’m Like A Dude – Sort-Of

I’m a Gemini, which means I have twin personalities. Or something like that. I have just figured out that my two personalities are dude and chick. Let me explain.

Here’s why I’m like a dude:

1. I like to drink beer and belch really loudly. (Iwanski can attest to this.)

2. I like to watch sports. Okay, so I don’t know players’ names like most sport enthusiasts, but I like to cheer with the best of them. I especially like cheering for the Bulls, the Cubs, and the Bears…and cheering against the Green Bay Packers. (Having lived 25 years in Wisconsin, I was a Packer fan until I got sick of all the hype surrounding the team. People up there literally worship the Packers. There is an actual book called “Leap of Faith: God Must Be a Packer Fan.” Seriously.)

3. I notice and comment on women’s cleavage when it’s particularly—err, noticeable. (Iwanski can also attest to this. Often I notice the large cleavage before he does and point it out to him. He is very grateful to me when I do that.)

4. I like watching stupid comedies where the humor is all about people getting hit in the crotch and stuff like that.

Here’s why I’m like a chick:

1. I like to watch love stories, no matter how unrealistic they are. (The Lake House comes to mind. I absolutely loved that movie.)

2. I like to talk on the phone with my girlfriends and analyze and overanalyze every conversation with everybody I’ve come into contact with in the past week.

3. I loved the Sex In The City movie and cried several times during it.

4. I can cry at the drop of a hat.

5. I obsess about losing weight but refuse to give up chocolate or wine.

6. I dream about being a Mommy someday.

Hmmm…I just noticed that the chick list contains the words “overanalyze,” “cry” and “obsess,” while the dude list contains the words “beer,” “sports,” and “comedies.”

God, being a dude must be like heaven. They just don’t know how lucky they are.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Growing Up ‘Scansin: Part 3—Random Weirdness

Growing up in rural Wisconsin, we had certain words, expressions, and traditions that I just assumed every American shared in.

I was wrong.

When I met Iwanski (who grew up in Chicago), I began discovering these Wisconsin “oddities.” For example:

--In Wisconsin, the word “bag” (and words like it—i.e. flag, tag, and gag) is pronounced “bayg.” I learned from Iwanski that this is actually an incorrect pronunciation! Apparently the correct way to pronounce it is in a similar way to the word “bad”—just substitute the “d” for a “g.” Who knew?

Iwanski had a hard time adjusting to the unique Wisconsin accent when he attended college in Wisconsin. Once, when a store clerk asked him if he wanted a “bayg” for his purchase, he got momentarily confused. He thought, “No, I don’t wanna BEG for it, I would rather PAY for it.”

--In the area of Wisconsin I grew up in (not sure if this is true everywhere in Wisconsin), we refer to sloppy joes as “hot tamales.” (Although my sister calls them “Spanish hamburger.” So there’s that.)

This really threw Iwanski for a loop. When he was going to meet my parents for the first time, I told him that my Mom was making hot tamales. “Wow!” he thought. “Something ethnic!” Of course, when he got there and saw sloppy joes, he was pretty surprised. That’s when he realized that “hot tamales” were actually sloppy joes. (No, I have no idea why we call them hot tamales. It’s a true Wisconsin mystery.)

--There is also a unique Wisconsin tradition surrounding birthday candles. (Again, I’m not sure if this is just in the area where I grew up—all I know is that this is not a tradition in Illinois.) In my family, whenever the birthday girl or boy blows out the candles on the birthday cake, and some candles remain lit, the number of candles that remain lit are the number of boyfriends or girlfriends she or he supposedly has. (Yeah, I know, it does seem like a pretty silly tradition. I’m realizing that as I’m writing this.)

So when I attended my first birthday party with Iwanski’s family and his sister blew out all but two candles, I said, “Oh, you have two boyfriends!” They all looked at me like I had grown a second head. “What?” his sister asked. Then I had to explain/apologize about yet another weird Wisconsin tradition.

So there you have it. While I was growing up, I never realized how weird all of these things were. Frequent trips to the local cheese factory and the Dump, saying the word “bayg,” and “hot tamales” for sloppy joes, and equating the number of lit birthday candles with the number of boyfriends, all seemed completely normal to me.

Now they just seem funny.

Growing Up ‘Scansin: Part 2—The Dump

Almost more fun than my childhood trips to the local cheese factory were our trips to the Dump.

Whenever my Dad would mow the lawn, he would gather up all his glass clippings in big garbage bags, and load them in our Dodge Ram van.

And then came the exciting part. Our visit to the Dump. The Dump, as we called it, was basically a huge hole in the ground where people dumped their garbage. I guess they call them landfills now. I always felt special as I sat in the front seat next to my Dad as we took our 10-minute trip to the Dump.

When we got there, there was a gate blocking off the driveway to the Dump, and my Dad would get out and take a key out of his pocket to unlock the gate. I don’t know why he was so special to have a key to this amazing place, but I was little and just assumed that my Dad had all the keys to everything. He was like Superman to me.

And finally, we drove around to the Dump. We got out of the van, and as my Dad unloaded the bags of grass clippings, I stared at all the weird things that people threw away. I remember being so amazed at the furniture that people threw away. I vividly remember one time when I saw a pea-green living room chair that someone threw away. Why did they throw that away?, I thought. In my little five-year-old brain, I couldn’t fathom why on earth someone would ever throw away a chair. And then there was the funny stuff sometimes, like a cracked toilet seat. Sometimes my sister would come along, too, and we’d laugh and laugh at the weird stuff we’d see.

And then, it was time to go home.

But I have never forgotten our trips to the Dump. It was about as exciting a place as you could go when you were growing up in rural Wisconsin.

Growing Up ‘Scansin: Part 1—The Cheese

For those of you who don't know, I grew up in a very itty bitty town in Wisconsin. And when I say “itty bitty,” I mean like a thousand people. And when I say Wisconsin, I mean that beer-swilling, cheese chompin' state directly to the north of Illinois that Buck appropriately called “lopsided.”

And I grew up there. And it was funny.

Why was it funny, you ask? I will tell you why, says me.

First of all, as you know, Wisconsinites like their cheese. But you may not realize how much they really do like it. When I was growing up, there was a plate of sliced cheese served at every meal. And I mean EVERY MEAL. And to keep up with supply and demand, there was the weekly trip to the cheese factory.

I LOVED going to the cheese factory with my Dad every Saturday morning. Well, maybe I didn’t love going there as much as what we got there. Of course, there was the usual purchase of aged American cheese (my Dad’s favorite). And then my Dad often bought cheese curds. For those of you who don’t know, let me first tell you what cheese curds are not. They are NOT cottage cheese, nor anything like cottage cheese. They are essentially little pieces of cheddar cheese in a curd like shape (see pic below), with a distinctive taste. They are yummy! And the best time to get them is when they are fresh from the factory, and they actually make a little squeaky noise when you chew them. I’m not kidding. Fresh, squeaky cheese curds are the best!

But even better than fresh cheese curds is fresh string cheese. That crap they sell in the stores under the labels of “Mootown Snackers” or the like does NOT compare to the delectable taste of fresh-from-the-factory string cheese. On the way to the cheese factory each week, my sister and I used to beg my Dad to buy us some string cheese. Sometimes he’d buy it for us (I guess all the whining sometimes got to him), but most of the time he’d refuse, because he couldn’t stand the way we’d peel layer by layer of the string cheese off and play with it, eating it very slowly. My Dad does not like finger food, and he especially didn’t like us kids playing with our food. But whenever he did agree to buy us string cheese, I was so happy! Even nowadays, when we go visit my parents, I raid the fridge and usually find fresh string cheese there. They told me they buy it especially for me when I come visit…aww, isn’t that sweet?

Wisconsinites’ passionate love for cheese was definitely one of the funniest parts of growing up ‘Scansin.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Bits and Pieces

Lately, I’ve been really busy at work, and I’ve been doing weird things subconsciously.

For example, yesterday, when it was time to go to lunch, I suddenly realized that I had just shut down my computer, all the way. I heard the familiar “bum, bum, bum, bum” tune, and I looked at my computer in surprise. Yep, I should have just gone home then, because apparently my brain had already shut down for the day.

Today, I was returning a coworker’s phone call, and when I got her voice mail, instead of saying, “Hi Rhonda, this is Carla,” I said, “Hi Rhonda, I am Carla.” Then I laughed and laughed and hung up the phone. She called back later and told me I needed a vacation.

I am so glad tomorrow’s Friday!!!!

Tonight, Iwanski and I went to a play about pirates. Yes, pirates. Mind you, I wouldn’t normally choose to see a play about pirates, but one of Iwanski’s friends acted in it. And he was fabulous. And there was a black Jesus. Yep, a black Jesus. I’ll let you fill in the blanks.

Now I am home and looking forward to a half-day Friday tomorrow! (My company has “summer hours” on Friday afternoons.)

Whoo-hoo! I love summer hours!

And that is all.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Some Things I've Realized

A really good wine makes everything better.

It’s important to balance the noise in your day with silence.

When a healthy adult accidentally poops in his or her pants, it’s just funny.

When I think people are going to be helpful to me, most of the time they are.

Tension tamer tea really works (especially when you’re at work and you can’t have a glass of wine).

Sometimes you just have to eat what you want, even if it’s not healthy food.

Staring at a candle for even a few minutes can really help you calm down.

When you have a 7 a.m. conference call, and it’s 11 p.m., you should probably go to bed and stop blogging.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Wii Are Tired

This morning, my Wii Fit personal trainer actually said,

“I stayed up a little too late last night. I’m tired.”

Do I really need to know about my virtual personal trainer’s sleeping habits? Is this something of concern to me?

And for that matter, what was my virtual personal trainer doing up so late? She doesn’t have a job, or really a life—and she lives in virtual Wii land. What could she possibly have been doing? Maybe she and the Super Mario Brothers were hangin’ out, smokin’ a doobie.

Of course, she followed her statement up with, “Be sure to get plenty of rest every night, blah blah blah blah…”

The funny thing is, I did stay up a little too late last night and was extremely tired this morning.

How did she know????

Sunday, June 8, 2008


I am addicted to exercise. Wow, I never thought I’d say that. More to the point, I’m addicted to the Wii Fit. It’s true, I really do love it.

I think I realized today why I like it so much. You see, before something was missing from my workouts—and today I realized what that was. Company. I am a very social person, and it has always been far more tempting for me to have a beer or watch TV with Iwanski or pretty much anyone else than to go walk on the treadmill by myself. But now—even though it’s a virtual person—I really do feel like someone is working out with me. And exercise videos just don’t cut it, either—Denise Austin is peppy and encouraging to the point of being almost annoying, but she doesn’t actually interact with you. The Wii Fit does. And that’s why it’s so awesome.

My new favorite exercise game on there is Wii Fit boxing. The “instructor” is an animated, talking punching bag who sounds like Adam Corolla—even though Iwanski insists he doesn’t. (He does. Trust me.) Anyway, basically the punching bag instructs you on the pattern of punches to do, and then you use the remotes to “punch him” in that pattern. (Iwanski has to continue to remind me to back up from the TV when I’m playing this game. Oh yes, the Wii Fit has added a whole new set of rules to Iwanski’s list.) Anyway, the animated punching bag tells you when you’ve thrown a good punch or done a good block—and he continuously reminds you to “feel the burn” and other motivating phrases. It’s fun!

I also love all the balance games. One minute I’m skiing down a hill trying to slalom through checkpoints, and the next minute I’m tubing down a river, trying to avoid hitting the riverbanks and other obstacles. Most recently, I unlocked a fun balance game where I’m a penguin on an unsteady iceberg, trying to catch fish by moving back and forth across the ice, without falling in the water.

Oh yeah, that’s another great thing about the Wii Fit. After about every 10 minutes of game play, you unlock new games and exercises, so there’s always something new to try. I know eventually I’ll unlock everything, but it’ll still be fun because there are so many different exercises to choose from.

So far, I’ve exercised between 30-60 minutes every day since we got the Wii Fit. That sure beats my previous track record of—say—30 minutes a week (not counting walking to work and to restaurants & stores).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna get my penguin ass off the couch and go try to catch some fish.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Selective Memory

Lately, I have realized something kind-of weird about myself. I have a very selective memory.

I pretty much only remember foods I’ve eaten.

That’s right. I couldn’t tell you who the 4 female leads in Sex In The City are (even though I just saw the movie 2 days ago), but I can remember a salad I ate at a restaurant in Washington D.C. in February of last year. (It was a beef fajita salad. Yummy.)

It’s a peculiar personality trait, I would agree. But I can’t help it.

Do you remember what you ate last Sunday night for dinner? Yeah, neither do I—but I bet I can figure it out. Let’s see, last Sunday I went clothes shopping in the afternoon, and when I came home…I ate a turkey sandwich from 7 Eleven, and carrot & celery sticks with ranch dressing.


Yeah, I know. I’m weird.

Advice For Married Women

If you want your husband to leave the house with you, but he’s too busy surfing the internet (especially for pointless political blather), here’s a simple tactic to try: turn on the tv and search for a tv show that your husband would hate to watch, then turn up the volume REALLY loud.

Trust me, it works!

*Note: For Iwanski, here are shows that work particularly well:

 TMZ (a show all about stupid celebrity gossip)
 Dancing with the Stars
 Entertainment Tonight
 The View
 Oprah**

**Occasionally, I can get Iwanski to watch a two-minute clip of this show. If I’m lucky.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

What A Surprise!

Oh. My. God.

Just when you think you’re having a perfectly normal day, nothing out-of-the-ordinary happening, somebody comes along and makes it a spectacular, memorable day!

Today, that someone was my wonderful husband.

I worked late tonight, and got home around 6:30. Iwanski and I ate some Chinese fast-food, and I settled in for a night of t.v. watching and perhaps a quick workout. (I’m trying to get all fit and stuff.)

All of a sudden, Iwanski appeared from the bedroom with a box and nonchalantly said, “Check this out.”

I looked, and I squealed. Iwanski got me the Wii Fit!!!!

Yes, that’s right. The moment I had been waiting for had finally arrived!—and what a surprise! I had no idea the Wii Fit was available in stores yet.

Well, it turns out it wasn’t.

I asked Iwanski where he had gotten it. His first response was “I got it from under the bed.”

“But where did you get it?” I asked again. “From under the bed,” he repeated.

This went on for a good two minutes before I insisted, “Where did you buy it?”

Then he made me guess. (Gotta love this man. He keeps me guessing, alright!) I guessed Target, Best Buy, FYE, Sears, and then just somewhere online—and for all of those, his reply was “Nope.”

“Then where did you get it?” I asked impatiently, my curiosity getting the better of me.

“I bought it from a guy at Starbucks,” he said.

“Shut up!” I laughed. “You’re lying!”

But it turns out Iwanski was telling the truth. He explained that he went online to Craig’s List, found someone who was selling the Wii Fit, and met the guy downtown at a Starbucks.

Who woulda thunk it?

Of course, as Iwanski went on to explain, he did talk to the guy for a few minutes to make sure he wasn’t a scam artist, and then he finally decided that the guy was alright and forked over the money. Apparently when the Wii Fit first came out, the guy bought a few of them and decided to sell them later for a small profit. I thought that was a pretty ingenious idea.

So long story short, I finally have the Wii Fit. And it’s everything I’d hoped it would be! I exercised for a full 30 minutes tonight, and it didn’t even feel like a real workout. I did yoga, step aerobics, balance games, and strength training. And I already unlocked some new games—yay! (So far the tightrope walk is my favorite.)

Now if I could just get past what the Wii Fit said about my weight and BMI…

Let’s just say that I’m motivated to exercise and eat right. And that’s a very good thing!

But most of all—and I’m sorry if y’all can’t handle the mushiness—but this wonderful surprise has shown me once again how lucky I am to be married to Iwanski.

I love him more and more every day.

Monday, June 2, 2008

I’m All Like, Official Now

I have an announcement to make. I now have my very own domain name. Check it out!

It’s! ( was not available. Someone bought it just for kicks—there’s really nothing on the website—can you believe that? Jerks!)

Oh, well, Iwanski and I thought that perhaps was easier to remember, anyway. As long as people don’t think they are shopping for pants when they come to my website.

Then again, maybe I should sell pants! Really, that should be the #1 product in Miss Healthypants’ product line, don’t you think?

Miss Healthypants sells pants. I love it.

Sunday, June 1, 2008


The Iwanski house is all abuzz. The cats are walking around trying to avoid getting stepped on, Iwanski is bemoaning his suddenly lighter wallet, and Miss Healthypants is nursing an extremely sore right arm. What calamity has befallen this house?

I’ll tell you what. The Wii, that’s what! Yes, the Iwanskis have purchased a Wii. And it was no easy feat; the Wii is pretty scarce around these parts. Believe me, we tried. (I have been wanting this thing for a while.) Best Buy was sold out, and so were Target and Sears…but by pure luck, we found one yesterday at FYE Music Store. It was almost an afterthought to stop at FYE yesterday, and I was almost apologetic when I asked the salesman if they had one. It went something like this:

Miss Healthypants: Hi, I’m so sorry to bother you with this--and I know this is a huge waste of your time, so more sorry I could not be—but do you happen to have a Wii in stock?

Salesguy: Hmm…I think we might. Let me check.

Miss Healthypants: (Gasping for air.)

Salesguy: Yes, we do. We’ll bring it out front for you.

Miss Healthypants: (Still gasping for air) Re-really? Right here? You have a Wii right here in the store? (Throws herself on the floor, grabbing the salesman’s leg.) Thank you! Thank you! Oh, thank you! How can I ever repay you?

So we took the Wii home, and last night I played virtual-reality tennis for about an hour—and then Iwanski joined me for doubles tennis, for another hour. (Thus, my sore right arm.) I loved it! And let me tell you, it is very easy to fool yourself into thinking you’re actually playing the game. Iwanski had to continuously remind me to back up, so as not to destroy the tv as I swung for the ball. And the poor cats! After a couple of incidents of tails getting stepped-on, they stayed as far away from the tv as possible. I don’t think they like the Wii very much.

So now my next conquest is the hunt for the Wii Fit. Have you heard of this thing? It’s basically an exercise game with a virtual-reality trainer who coaches you, motivates you, and even chastises you. I need that!—particularly the chastisement.

I will do anything to avoid disapproval, even if it’s from a virtual person.

Two Things I Don’t Want To See

Yesterday, Iwanski and I took a long walk along Chicago’s lakefront. We were just walking along, enjoying the sun and the warm weather along with many other adults, and their children and their dogs, when of a sudden it hit me: I think dog balls are one of the most disgusting things on earth. And I really think they should be banned from public view. Really! I mean, why should I be forced to look at those things? And it’s not like I’m out there scouting for dog balls, either—they’re just out there, in the open, flapping in the breeze, in plain view of all who pass them. There’s no way to avoid it—you look to the right, there’s dog balls. You look to the left, dog balls. You look straight in front of you, and—you guessed it—dog balls.

I think it should be a law that male dogs should have to wear special doggie underwear—or at the very least, a dog jock strap (aka “dog strap”). Really. I don’t think that it’s fair that I should have to bask in the glow of that nasty view when I’m having a nice walk along Chicago’s beautiful lakefront.

And how about neutering your dog? Would it be that difficult? Do you really have that strong a need to see your dog reproduce? I mean, last I checked, there are no shortage of dogs on this earth. Really, you don’t think there are enough stray male dogs roaming around, nailing stray female dogs? I’m sure it happens—right?

Yep, I feel this strongly about dog balls.

But enough about that.

As Iwanski and I continued on our walk, I saw a feather lying on the ground in front of us. I may not have mentioned this before, but for a long time, feathers have been my symbol of God. Whenever I see one, I say a silent prayer, thanking God for being there for me. And I see feathers ALL THE TIME. Some people may think it’s just a coincidence, but I don’t. I really believe that God gives me feathers as a reminder that he’s there. Also, we have a lot of pigeons and seagulls in Chicago. But that’s beside the point.

Anyway, Iwanski and I were walking along, talking about how God reveals himself in our lives. I said to Iwanski,

“You know, I never see feathers when I’m looking for them. But when I’m not looking for them, all of the sudden they’re there, right in front of me as I walk.”

Just like dirty, nasty dog balls.