Saturday, February 28, 2009

Wisconsin Redneck Wedding

Lorraine recently tagged me on Facebook with a meme entitled “My Wedding Day.”

It reminded me that I never blogged about my wedding to Iwanski. Or maybe I should call it “Wisconsin Redneck Wedding.”

You see, Iwanski and I were in our early 20’s when we got married. We were young and poor. And apparently, we were also kind-of dumb. Because the people we hired to do our wedding—the photographer, the DJ, and who could forget the awesome dressmaker?—were all quite rednecky and—um, well, really quite bad at their jobs.

Let’s start with the photographer. I don’t even remember how we found this woman—I’m sure she was probably a friend of one of my students’ parents.

She was a rather large woman—well over 250 pounds—with long frizzy brown hair that looked like something out of a bad 80’s video. When we first met her, though, she seemed pretty normal, and she shared wedding pictures that she’d taken, that we thought looked nice. But what did we know? Apparently not too much.

After our wedding mass, when it came time to take pictures of everyone, she became the bitchy lady from hell. She became like a drill sergeant, shouting out orders for people to get in and out of pictures, yelling at all of us like we were a bunch of unruly children. Which we weren’t. Mostly.

Then, when we went to take pictures in the park, and there were a bunch of Canadian geese pooping everywhere, she made all the men kneel in goose poop, while we ladies sat on their knees. The men were thrilled about that. Still, the geese wouldn’t leave us alone, so there was a potential for some funny photos.

So a couple of weeks later, after all was said and done, Iwanski and I went to go pick up our pictures. And what do you know? She had the pictures developed AT WALMART! Yes, I said Walmart. I couldn’t believe it when I saw her take pictures out of an envelope, clearly marked “Walmart Photo Department.” Yep, truly rednecky. And she wouldn’t even let us see any of the goose pictures. She said she was keeping them for herself!! Man, we really picked a winner!

But that doesn’t even compare to the DJ and the dressmaker.

The DJ was a parent of one of my students. He worked at a reputable DJ company in the town where we lived, so we thought he was a safe bet. Before we met with him, Iwanski and I came up with a list of several songs that we’d like him to play, if possible.

Then we met with him. We should have known something was off when we walked in and he had framed pictures of Ollie North and Rush Limbaugh on his wall. Ollie North and Rush Limbaugh! But we were already there, so we went over our music suggestions and what we’d like to have for the Grand March (we chose “Truckin’” by the Grateful Dead). Then we said our goodbyes and went out to our car. Iwanski looked at me skeptically. “Why did you pick this guy, again? He had pictures of Ollie North and Rush Limbaugh on his wall.” I sighed. “I know. But I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

But of course, he wasn’t fine. Oh, he played all kinds of crappy music that you hear at most weddings. But the songs on our list? Nope, I don’t think he played any of them. Then it came to our Grand March. Two minutes before we were to start the march, he came up to us and said, “Hey, the CD I have for “Truckin’” has a skip in it.” A skip in it? Really? Then he offered to have his helper-dude go out to a store and look for another recording of Truckin’. Yeah, right! Let’s just hold off on the Grand March while his little cronie goes around at 10:30 at night to try to find a record store that’s even open.

So Iwanski said, “Do you have anything else by the Dead?” (We were huge deadheads back then.) “Um, yeah, let’s see…I have “Touch of Grey,” said the DJ. “OK, ‘Touch of Grey’ is fine,” Iwanski said.

Then Mr. Jerkstore DJ said a statement I will never forget, “OK—is it okay if I mix a little Queen in with that?”

Iwanski looked at him in disgust. “No, it’s not okay.”

The DJ just looked at him, shrugged, and went back to his DJ equipment.

It turned out, “Touch of Grey” was a great Grand March song. Mr. Jerkstore DJ was lucky we liked it. What a crappy DJ!

Still, that was nothing compared to the dressmaker. Ah, the dressmaker. She deserves her own blog posting. That’s how bad she was.


Anonymous said...

Tell the story about the HAMS!!!

Barb said...

We all have bad wedding stories (mine was that my ex's whole family crashed my wedding to my current husband) but your's beats them all!
But hey, you got a great guy and that's all that matters.

Mom2Valerie said...

Oh my word...I SO remember the photographer. We were so scared of her...and the dressmaker - YIKES...I distinctly remember one of your bridesmaids ripping her dress on the bottom because the hem was so messed up. Wow!

You know, I really lucked out for mine. I had the best photographer team ;) My only bad memories (which aren't really bad compared to yours) are when my dress got stuck in the seat of our car when I climbed in because the hooks latched onto the mesh of the seat...and the reception hall started cutting our cake before we got pictures taken or had a chance to cut it ourselves.

Miss Healthypants said...

Anony--I already told the ham story in October--check out my October 23rd link on the right side of my blog. :)

Barb--having your ex's family crash your wedding sounds--well, horrible. Sorry you had to go through that!

Mom2--you remember it, too?--but you were so young!! I guess it was memorable. *smiles*

Lisa said...

I love the ham story! MathMan read that one to me out loud! The rest of your wedding sounds equally unique!

Anonymous said...

As one of the gents who had to kneel in goose poop that day I also remember how unusually hot and humid the day was and how if I weren't such a gentleman I would have smacked the photographer's big mouth as I avoided getting goose crap on my tux and being charged a dry cleaning fee upon it's return.

However David Lynch your wedding turned out it couldn't beat Daisy's Mom other Iwanski cousin's wedding reception when the priest who was invited to the reception donned a chicken mask and then proceeded to try and "Dirty Dance" with one of the groomsman, I believe it may have actually been the Best Man. Now that was an interesting wedding reception.

Lorraine said...


Sling said...

This is hilarious!..I love that you seem to keep it as a fond memory.

MaryRuth said...

All I can say is....WOW.
Maybe the crazier the wedding, the better the two seem to be a great couple.

I attended my co-worker's wedding...he totally fainted up at the altar as the bridesmaids were coming down the aisle!

I loved the ham story!

Jeanna said...

Hey Miss HP, just wanted to say a quick hello. Can't wait to read more of your blog and love the fact you like both Enya and Office Space. You don't see that very often. Before I started watching The Office I thought the shows were based on that movie.

sageweb said...

Best wedding story ever!

Maria said...

Oh, I loved this post....NEXT!

rosemary said...

I fell off the chair....laughing of course....and then there is the the wedding dress.....

Anita said...

Ok, I read both parts, and I was cracking up!! You tell a great story.
We had an engagement party, and my future BIL got drunk and started telling stories about when he was a troubled youth and threw an aligator(we live in FL) into a biker bar..........3 times, and the last time the police were waiting for them. My family has affectionately referred to him as Gator Man since.........such a lovely time!
Thanks for the blog comment, I love Lisa!!!!

ericwa said...

Try going to wedding catering

ericwa said...

Try going to wedding catering

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