Today, my boredom has been somewhat relieved. Instead, it has been replaced, apparently, by temporary insanity.
At lunch today, I started to think about my bowels. Yes, apparently I’m obsessed with poo lately. You probably want to stop reading this blog right about now.
What, you’re still there? OK, you asked for it…
When I was a kid—maybe 12 years old—I was diagnosed with “irritable bowel syndrome.” For those of you who don’t know, that basically means that your digestive system either—er, overreacts or underreacts (let’s put it that way) to certain foods and stress. And let me tell you, it was quite a blessing for a pre-teen to have irritable bowel syndrome. As if I didn’t have enough to deal with, what with the pimples and all the body changes and the pathetic lack of self-esteem.
Anyway, so I started thinking about the term “irritable bowel syndrome.”
What would it be like if our bowels (colon) actually got irritated at us? This is what I imagine it would be like.
Me: (scarfing down pizza and chicken wings)
Colon: What?! What’s this?!?! Goddammit! I thought I told you NOT to eat greasy food! And now you have an entire dinner of pizza and chicken wings? What is WRONG with you? I am PISSED OFF! You hear me? PISSED OFF!
Me (belching loudly): Ohhh, I feel so full! Blech!
Colon: See? That’s what you get! I told you lettuce, and you give me sausage and pepperoni! You are an idiot!
Me: I think I’m going to be sick.
Me: Tomorrow, I need to eat a salad.
Colon: I told you, dumbass! No one ever listens to me! What am I, chopped liver? No, I’m the bowels! And I AM IRRITATED!
OK, so this was a lot funnier in my head. I’m telling you, it’s temporary insanity caused by lack of warm weather.
It’s supposed to be a whopping 45 degrees tomorrow—so hopefully I will be back to normal soon.
God, let’s hope so.