Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Cantankerous Colon

Today, my boredom has been somewhat relieved. Instead, it has been replaced, apparently, by temporary insanity.

At lunch today, I started to think about my bowels. Yes, apparently I’m obsessed with poo lately. You probably want to stop reading this blog right about now.

What, you’re still there? OK, you asked for it…

When I was a kid—maybe 12 years old—I was diagnosed with “irritable bowel syndrome.” For those of you who don’t know, that basically means that your digestive system either—er, overreacts or underreacts (let’s put it that way) to certain foods and stress. And let me tell you, it was quite a blessing for a pre-teen to have irritable bowel syndrome. As if I didn’t have enough to deal with, what with the pimples and all the body changes and the pathetic lack of self-esteem.

Anyway, so I started thinking about the term “irritable bowel syndrome.”

What would it be like if our bowels (colon) actually got irritated at us? This is what I imagine it would be like.

Me: (scarfing down pizza and chicken wings)

Colon: What?! What’s this?!?! Goddammit! I thought I told you NOT to eat greasy food! And now you have an entire dinner of pizza and chicken wings? What is WRONG with you? I am PISSED OFF! You hear me? PISSED OFF!

Me (belching loudly): Ohhh, I feel so full! Blech!

Colon: See? That’s what you get! I told you lettuce, and you give me sausage and pepperoni! You are an idiot!

Me: I think I’m going to be sick.

Colon: Muhahahahahahaha

Me: Tomorrow, I need to eat a salad.

Colon: I told you, dumbass! No one ever listens to me! What am I, chopped liver? No, I’m the bowels! And I AM IRRITATED!

OK, so this was a lot funnier in my head. I’m telling you, it’s temporary insanity caused by lack of warm weather.

It’s supposed to be a whopping 45 degrees tomorrow—so hopefully I will be back to normal soon.

God, let’s hope so.


Daisy's Mom said...

I feel your pain sista! My innards and I have had the same conversation.

IBS Sistas Unite!!!!

Lisa said...

The more I learn about you, the more eerily the same we are. I was "diagnosed with IBS" at about that same age! I always felt like I was either going to hurl or have mudbutt. Either thing would have been an absolute catastrophe during adolescence. It was so bad, I didn't want to go to school.

Now I don't think I ever actually had IBS, but whatever I had passed literally and figuratively. Either that or I beat my irritable bowel into silent submission with a steady diet of Baby Ruths, Mountain Dew and Pop Rocks because by the time I was about thirteen and a half, the old IBS issue was gone.

Buck said...

You just need to tell that bowel who's boss!

sageweb said...

I had way too much fiber yesterday. So my colon has been giving me shit all morning.

Sling said...

Oh thank God!!..
I thought I was the only one that talked to my colon.