Bitchin' and Scratchin'

Dear Mother Nature,

I don’t so much like you right now. I mean, first you take a Monday—which is already the worst day of the week—and then you add rain, wind, and temperatures in the low 40’s. Screw you. You suck.

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Of course, I shouldn’t complain. There is worse weather out there somewhere in the world…right? I just have to remember—and for those of you who are as sick of this cold weather as I am, repeat after me—at least we’re not in Barrow, Alaska, at least we’re not in Barrow Alaska… Right now in Barrow, Alaska it’s TWO degrees (but with the wind, it feels like minus 13 degrees!). Good Lord, how do people live there????

Honestly, though, I feel like sometimes I need to bitch about things that irritate me, just so I can get it out of my system. So hey, while I’m on a roll, let me share with you some other things that have annoyed me today:

--The little paper clip guy that pops up because he thinks that I’m actually writing a letter to Mother Nature, and he wants to help. Dude, if I wanted your help, I would have clicked on "Help"!

--When a car rolls down the street with its bass booming so loudly that everyone on the street can not only hear it, but also have to actually cover their ears and cringe. I mean seriously, man, can you even hear the music when the bass is booming so loudly? And must we all hear the boom? Do you think you’re the only person in this world?

--The fact that technology hates me. Seriously, no matter how simple a task, computers often find a way to mess it up for me. For example, I started writing this on our desktop computer, but I couldn’t seem to get on the internet to find out the temperature in Barrow, Alaska. All I got was a blue screen that said “Internet Explorer” on the top. Fifteen minutes later, Iwanski gave up the laptop to me (thank God), and of course he is using the internet on our desktop computer--with no problem at all.

--Did I mention the weather? Did I mention that it’s April 13th and the temperature is currently 40 degrees, with a wind chill of 32 degrees?

Waaaaa!!!!

Okay, I feel a little better now.

Today was just one of those days when I felt down in the dumps. Then, after I ate dinner tonight, my leg started itching (apparently it’s warm enough for mosquitos—grrr…), and as I reached down to scratch it, I thought, “Boy, there are not very many feelings in the world as good as scratching a really bad itch.”

And then, since my fingernails are very short (as I chomp on them often), I set out on a search for the perfect scratcher. Here are the results of my clinical research.

Experiment #1—Asthma inhaler, minus the cap (cap whereabouts unknown)—adequate size, but too rounded. Need to find something pointier.

Experiment #2—Cell phone antenna—surprisingly, pointy in shape but poor in scratching ability. Need to find something sharper around the edges.

Experiment #3—Success! The best scratching device ever--one of those fastener doo-hickey things that holds bread bags (and other bags) closed. No, not a twist tie—the other thing. This thing—what do you call this?**



I asked Iwanski what he thought it was called. He decided to call it Dave.

I call it a Dermatological Annoyance Vanquishing Enjoymatizer. (Or Dave, for short.)

And suddenly, my day didn’t seem quite so bad.

Thank God for a good scratch.


**Note: Try searching Google images sometime for an object that you don’t know the name of. It’s good fun.