Monday, April 13, 2009

Bitchin' and Scratchin'

Dear Mother Nature,

I don’t so much like you right now. I mean, first you take a Monday—which is already the worst day of the week—and then you add rain, wind, and temperatures in the low 40’s. Screw you. You suck.

Of course, I shouldn’t complain. There is worse weather out there somewhere in the world…right? I just have to remember—and for those of you who are as sick of this cold weather as I am, repeat after me—at least we’re not in Barrow, Alaska, at least we’re not in Barrow Alaska… Right now in Barrow, Alaska it’s TWO degrees (but with the wind, it feels like minus 13 degrees!). Good Lord, how do people live there????

Honestly, though, I feel like sometimes I need to bitch about things that irritate me, just so I can get it out of my system. So hey, while I’m on a roll, let me share with you some other things that have annoyed me today:

--The little paper clip guy that pops up because he thinks that I’m actually writing a letter to Mother Nature, and he wants to help. Dude, if I wanted your help, I would have clicked on "Help"!

--When a car rolls down the street with its bass booming so loudly that everyone on the street can not only hear it, but also have to actually cover their ears and cringe. I mean seriously, man, can you even hear the music when the bass is booming so loudly? And must we all hear the boom? Do you think you’re the only person in this world?

--The fact that technology hates me. Seriously, no matter how simple a task, computers often find a way to mess it up for me. For example, I started writing this on our desktop computer, but I couldn’t seem to get on the internet to find out the temperature in Barrow, Alaska. All I got was a blue screen that said “Internet Explorer” on the top. Fifteen minutes later, Iwanski gave up the laptop to me (thank God), and of course he is using the internet on our desktop computer--with no problem at all.

--Did I mention the weather? Did I mention that it’s April 13th and the temperature is currently 40 degrees, with a wind chill of 32 degrees?


Okay, I feel a little better now.

Today was just one of those days when I felt down in the dumps. Then, after I ate dinner tonight, my leg started itching (apparently it’s warm enough for mosquitos—grrr…), and as I reached down to scratch it, I thought, “Boy, there are not very many feelings in the world as good as scratching a really bad itch.”

And then, since my fingernails are very short (as I chomp on them often), I set out on a search for the perfect scratcher. Here are the results of my clinical research.

Experiment #1—Asthma inhaler, minus the cap (cap whereabouts unknown)—adequate size, but too rounded. Need to find something pointier.

Experiment #2—Cell phone antenna—surprisingly, pointy in shape but poor in scratching ability. Need to find something sharper around the edges.

Experiment #3—Success! The best scratching device ever--one of those fastener doo-hickey things that holds bread bags (and other bags) closed. No, not a twist tie—the other thing. This thing—what do you call this?**

I asked Iwanski what he thought it was called. He decided to call it Dave.

I call it a Dermatological Annoyance Vanquishing Enjoymatizer. (Or Dave, for short.)

And suddenly, my day didn’t seem quite so bad.

Thank God for a good scratch.

**Note: Try searching Google images sometime for an object that you don’t know the name of. It’s good fun.


Sling said...

Did you know that the Dermatological Annoyance Vanquishing Enjoymatizer can also be used as a guitar pick in case of a guitar pick emergency?..well it can.
Plus!..It comes with a loaf of bread attached...That's a pretty good deal.

sageweb said...

Oh I love your new scratcher! I will not tell you what the weather is dont wanna know.

Anonymous said...

The best itch scratcher is a spaghetti thingee (you know, you use it to pull spaghetti out of water....looks like a claw on a stick.) They even reach your back when you get that itch you just can't reach. Its only $1 at the dollar store. Awesome deal.

Barb said...

I was using a pair of scissors ~ kinda dangerous, I know but it worked. It bugged my 9 y/o so much she actually got me a wooden back scratcher for Christmas 2 yrs ago ~ BEST PRESENT EVER!!!

Diane said...

For some reason the word "pointier" made me laugh so hard and then I started thinking about pointy things that could poke one's eyeball!

Anita said...

Sorry about the cold, and I know, the FL girl is never permitted to bitch about the weather, unless a hurricane is headed toward my house.
I do NOT know the other name of your DAVE, but now I'm curious......I keep my nails long, for just these problems btw.

Fantastic Forrest said...

I bet the DAVE is one of
these patented items, but I just don't have time to search through them all.

I have to clean up all the holiday decorations and pack them away.

That would be the Christmas decorations.

So I can do an egg hunt with the kids tomorrow morning before they go to school.

Because if I don't, they will not allow me to eat any of the two dozen hard-boiled eggs we dyed on Saturday, and I will be hungry.

rosemary said...

I agree about the weather...I am totally tired of sleet, wet snow, textured rain...all of it. You re do clever it is scary.

rosemary said...

What is You re do? Why I believe it is: You're so

Miss Healthypants said...

Sling--OMG, you crack me UP! :)

Sage--you're right, I don't want to know. Try the scratcher--it's perfect! :)

Barb--I have one of those back scratchers, but Dave works best on leg itches. :)

Anony--I do have one of those spaghetti things--but I like Dave better. :)

Diane-chickie--pointier! Pointier, pointier, pointier! :)

Anita--well, it's supposed to be 70degrees by the end of the week--so there's hope! :)

Forrest--I think you might be right about Dave's real name! But I still like Dave the best. And CHRISTMAS decorations?? :)

Rosemary--thanks for your nice comment!--and thanks for empathizing with me on this crappy weather. :)

Random Thinker said...

Nothing better than a good b**ch session to get it all out. I hate that paper clip guy too. How can he be so cheerful all the time? Wipe that smile off your face.

MaryRuth said...

you know you can disable the paper clip guy....
Glad to see your day ended on a good note.

Miss Healthypants said...

Thinker--LOL! I know--he can kiss my ass. :)

Mary Ruth--I know, but that would just ruin all my bitching--er--fun! :)

stephanie (bad mom) said...

I'm decidedly afraid to do such a search.

And I'm with you on the freaking spring weather. My students have come to fear my mood swings...even more.

(Hey thanks for visiting my site and engaging in the banter with Ms Forrest :D)

Lisa said...

You crack me up!

Thank you for doing that clinical research. I think you should consider a grant now. I want to see what other kinds of things you can come up with to take care of those little annoyances in life.

And if you can figure out how to make those bass heavy car stereos go suddenly silent, you'll make a fortune.

Speck said...

That little plastic tab thingie is a "bread clip" generically. Trade name is a Quik Lok Bag Closure.

Yeah, I'm a geek. I had to look it up.

Bread clip on