Iwanski and I are going on vacation very soon. Whoo-hoo!
We are heading over to the Ozark Mountains and plan on spending some time in Arkansas and Missouri. Yes, I said Arkansas and Missouri. I’m sure it will be very, very exciting!
Honestly, I am very excited. Iwanski has done a ton of research for this trip, and I know we’ll have a great time touring the countryside and enjoying its beautiful natural features. One night, we’re even staying in a hotel at the top of a mountain in Arkansas. Can you imagine what the view from our balcony will be like? I can’t wait!
I’m really lucky that Iwanski likes planning our vacations. If it were me, we’d probably end up in a bed-bug motel in a dry county in Arkansas, overlooking a dirty swimming pool. Thank God for Iwanski!
But he wasn’t always so good about planning out the details of our trip. A couple of years ago, when we traveled to Gatlinburg, Tennessee, I saw a big sign for “Earthquake: The Ride” and got really excited. After all, I’d never been in an earthquake, and I really wanted to see what it felt like, without risking life or limb. And Iwanski had not read anything about this particular attraction, so we thought we’d check it out.
Well, I still never found out what being in an earthquake was really like. Instead, I found out what it was like to flush $17 down the toilet.
Basically what it was, was one “train car” which resembled a metal cage, in a room which was supposedly a subway tunnel. When the ride started, the car shook gently. Then suddenly, the car jerked forward and backward, and the fake-ass train operator voice said, “My God, there’s an earthquake!” Then the voice screamed, “Oh my God, there’s a fire in the tunnel!”—and five feet in front of us, we saw some orange tissue paper being blown by a fan. Wow, what a fire! Then the voice said, “Everyone, please remain calm. We’re getting it under control.” Well, let me tell you, it was hard to remain calm. Iwanski and I were laughing too hard.
Then they shot water at us to put out the “fire,” and then the voice started screaming, “Oh my God, there’s rats coming onto the train!” And they blew air on our ankles to simulate the rats running around.
Then the voice yelled, “Oh my God, he’s escaped!” and a big stuffed gorilla appeared a few feet in front of us.
And then, just like that, the ride was over. It was the worst waste of money ever.
But it was definitely memorable.
I know that Iwanski did a lot of planning for this trip, but I hope he left some room for more “Earthquake: The Rides.”
Sometimes in life, it’s the unplanned events that make the best and funniest memories.