Sunday, August 8, 2010

If Miss Healthypants Was In Charge

Recently, I told Iwanski that if I ran for President, I would issue two new executive orders.

First, and foremost—all fast-food and sit-down restaurants must have a side salad on their menu that costs two dollars or less.

I mean, really, how hard would this be? You put a few lettuce leaves in a bowl, add a couple of cherry tomatoes and maybe some cheese, top it with your dressing of choice—and ta da! You have a side salad. It’s easy and cheap—and it should not cost more than two dollars.

My other executive order would be this:

All public and private bathrooms must have a toilet plunger right next to the toilet. I mean, it has “toilet” right in the name—so wouldn’t it make sense for the plunger to be within close proximity to the toilet itself? It has no other use. What would be so hard about this?

You may be wondering about the origins of this executive order… well, I will tell you a short story to illustrate its importance.

Imagine yourself in a Wendy’s restaurant in rural Illinois. You have just used the toilet (only to go number one), and you flush the toilet—but then you realize in horror, too late, that the person before you has stuffed approximately 5000 sheets of toilet paper in the toilet—and it is now in serious danger of overflowing. As the water rises higher and higher and threatens to start pouring someone else’s toilet paper and poo all over the floor, what do you do? Do you go out, cut in line in front of six other people, and inform the restaurant cashier that the toilet is overflowing? Talk about embarrassing! Or do you hightail it out of there, rush to your car, and take off, wheels-a-blazing, before anyone can blame you for the mishap?

Guess which one Miss Healthypants did? I’m not proud to say that I fled the scene of the crime…and I’m a little ashamed that I did so. But think about it, you might do the same if you only had a split second to decide. (Don’t judge me!)

But the point is, if there was a toilet plunger in the bathroom, right next to the toilet, I could have avoided the whole agonizing moment. And think about the poor woman before me—toilet paper waster though she was—who tried to flush it the first time? She could have also avoided any of the potential embarrassment if there was a plunger nearby.

Also note that this law is to take effect in private homes, as well. No one wants to get caught at a friend’s home with a digestive problem and no plunger to be found!

So what do you think? I would run on the slogan “A Side Salad With Every Plate and A Plunger With Every Pot!” Would you vote for me?


Mom said...

You have my vote. With a motto like that I think you would be the winner. (Except it would be hard for me not to vote for my Barak. Maybe you should just send him a note and ask him to take care of it for you.)

Anonymous said...

ok you did good but better would have been to put an "out of order "sign on the mens bathroom door lol

Barb said...

I would sooo totally vote for you! I agree on both platforms! Especially the plunger at a friends house part ~ that should be mandatory!

Anonymous said...

I agree... especially in every home. Think of the Ben Stiller bathroom scene in "Along Came Polly".... my worst nightmare!!

Lisa said...

I would vote for you. And if you're pushing salads, those plungers will be more necessary.

Maria said...

I agree with the first...but not sure about the second. Mostly...because I live in an ancient house. We have a bathroom in the basement that you could flush a cat down and it would flush. We have two toilets on the first floor. One is so old that you pull a chain to flush it. It is also in perfect working order, mostly because it is so old that it used about 50 gallons of water with each flush. The other toilet is new but you have to be careful not to use more than three squares of toilet paper or it balks. We have two more bathrooms upstairs. They can only handle pee. We have yet another bathroom in our attic guest room that is much the same. So...yes. Five bathrooms and only two work perfectly. We have plungers in every bathroom...but seriously, they don't really work all that well. So, we just tell guests to only use the ones downstairs or in the basement and they will be fine! Embarrassing but necessary.

Sling said...

Of course I'd vote for you!
Did BP have anything to do with the catastrophic toilet spill?
..I'd look into that.

Anita said...

You've got my vote!!! Just so you know, I am not a great plunger, but I have had to use one from time to time. Public restrooms worry me, because I have that fear of overflowing and flooding.
The salad thing concerns me less, but sure, under $2 and having one available, I can see the need.
Thanks for a good laugh.