Inspiration (or Lack Thereof)

I am officially Miss Healthypants.

I’m down 15 pounds, and after a recent Treadmill Stress Test and blood test, I can confirm that I am indeed healthy.

Healthy heart? Check. Good cholesterol levels? Check. Good calcium levels, iron levels, and all other associated “levels”? Check.

And Iwanski? Oh yeah, he’s healthy, too. He’s down almost 40 pounds, and doing just fantastic. We’re just a couple of healthypantses.

Now the question is…what’s next for me?

I feel like lately, I’ve been asking myself the same question over and over and over again:

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I like my job as Customer Service Manager…but is this what I want to be forever?

I like to write…but I’ve barely written two non-work-related sentences lately.

I like to be “counselor” to my close friends when they are having difficulties in life…especially when I feel like I can really help them. So do I want to somehow pursue a psychology-related career?

And then there’s the old acting bug. Some days, I do feel like I’d like to try acting again. I know, I know, the acting field is fraught with disappointment and rejection—it’s just the nature of the beast—but I just feel like somehow, I need to express myself.

But what do I really even want to say? What is there about me that even wants to be expressed?

And then I think, what if somehow I could be a motivational speaker or something cool like that? Wouldn’t that be fun?

But how exactly does one become a motivational speaker? And what would I talk about?

And how can I motivate others when it seems that sometimes I have a hard time motivating myself?

Oh sure, I can motivate myself to exercise and lose weight. But the real motivation for that came from Iwanski’s experience. I want to have a strong and healthy heart. Period.

But what motivates me? What inspires me? Sometimes I feel lacking in inspiration.

Perhaps it’s this endless wintery-type weather that’s driving me a little nuts. Surely I can’t be the only one feeling this way. As a matter of fact, I know I’m not. I’ve seen countless postings of “I’m sick of winter” peppered throughout my Facebook friends’ pages.

But it’s more than that. I want to feel inspired. I want to find the “thing”—the catch that sparks my imagination and creativity. I want to be creative—but even more so, I want to FEEL creative.

But how? Where do I start?

And then I think that it’s merely my ego talking. My ego is never satisfied with how things are—it always wants more, more, more!

And then I am reminded of a Buddhist saying that I once read, “Strive to be ordinary.”

Strive to be ordinary. What does that mean? Does that mean that none of us should hope to be more than what we are today? Or does it just mean that we should not become attached to the idea of ourselves “standing out” somehow; that we should be content with being?—just being?

All I know is, this spiritual hunger won’t go away. I crave creativity, I crave inspiration…and somehow I need to find exactly what it is that inspires me.

Yes, I know that I certainly feel inspired and moved by basic human emotions—like love, and empathy, and pure joy…and I love animals, in all their lack of ego…and I feel inspired by the words and the images that others share on a daily basis.

But how can I translate that feeling, that appreciation for all of these things, into an expression of my own creativity?

Or am I wrong for wanting that? Should I just be satisfied with who I am, with living an ordinary life?

I will meditate on this…and I will meditate on all that I have to be grateful for…because somewhere, in that list of a million and one things that I am so very grateful for, has to be my inspiration. I will find it and do what I need to do.

Whether I write a poem or sing a song or paint a picture…I will express what’s inside of me.

And perhaps...I've already started.