Thursday, March 5, 2009

Miss Weatherpants

56 degrees. Right now. At 8:30 PM in Chicago.

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just ecstatic that the coldest-of-the-cold weather is over with for now. Goodbye winter, hello spring!!

The other night, I had heard that the weather was going to get warmer soon, so I checked it out for myself at weather.yahoo.com. Sure enough, the weather forecast for the next week is full of 40’s and 50’s, instead of 20’s and 30’s…and I couldn’t be happier. I am definitely more of a warm weather girl.

Then I decided to check out weather forecasts in other countries around the world.

Yeah, that’s something you may not know about me. I am really interested in weather. (Iwanski calls me a weather nerd.)

Ever since I was a little girl, I was always fascinated with what the weather was like in Hamburg, Germany or New Delhi, India, while we were sitting there buried under three feet of snow in my little Wisconsin hometown. (Just in case you’re wondering, right now it’s 41 degrees and raining in Hamburg, and 62 degrees and hazy in New Delhi. I couldn’t help it—I just had to look it up.)

I don’t know why the weather fascinates me so much—I think part of it is because I think it says a lot about the people that live there. I mean, don’t you think people who live in the coldest place in the world live at least somewhat different lives than people who live in the hottest place in the world?

So of course, as I was thinking about this the other night, I had to look up where the coldest place and the hottest place in the world were at that time.

Although I didn’t necessarily find out where it was the coldest and hottest in the world at that moment in time, I did find out that there are some really crazy-hot places and some really cold-ass places in the world.

One of the hottest places I found was Jakarta, Indonesia, where the forecast is calling for temperatures in the high 80’s for the next several days. That is pretty hot, but I figure there’s got to be a hotter place than that on earth right now; I just haven’t found it yet.

But even more fascinating to me was when I started reading about the town of Barrow, Alaska. Right now, the temperature there is a frigid 6 degrees below zero, and the forecast calls for highs between 16 below zero and 3 degrees above zero for the next several days. And those are the high temperatures—imagine what the low temperatures are like! All I can say is, there’s a negative 23 degrees mixed in there. Yikes!

So then I thought, well, it can’t be that bad there all year round—right?

Um, yeah, it’s kind-of bad.

From early October to late May, temperatures never get above freezing. And get this—the average high temperature in JULY (the warmest month) in Barrow, Alaska is a steamy 46 degrees. That’s it. That’s how warm it gets there IN JULY. How on earth do people live there?

Then I thought, there can’t be that many people that live there—maybe a few hundred eskimos or something, right?

Wrong. There are over 4600 brave (or perhaps crazy) souls who live there—and they’re not all eskimos! I couldn’t believe it.

Oh, and it’s also one of the cloudiest places on earth, and they have two full months in complete darkness—the sun goes down around November 18th or 19th and doesn’t come up for a full two months after that. How horrible!

While I was sitting here at the laptop computer, shocked that anyone would choose to live in such a place, Iwanski remarked that he once saw a picture from there, and there was a school bus in the picture.

Those poor kids!!—was all I could think. I just couldn’t imagine living in such a dreary existence.

I’ll tell you something—the next time I’m tempted to complain about the cold weather here, I will first think of the poor schoolchildren of Barrow, Alaska, who are forced by their heartless parents to live in the coldest city in North America.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Wisconsin Redneck Wedding

Lorraine recently tagged me on Facebook with a meme entitled “My Wedding Day.”

It reminded me that I never blogged about my wedding to Iwanski. Or maybe I should call it “Wisconsin Redneck Wedding.”

You see, Iwanski and I were in our early 20’s when we got married. We were young and poor. And apparently, we were also kind-of dumb. Because the people we hired to do our wedding—the photographer, the DJ, and who could forget the awesome dressmaker?—were all quite rednecky and—um, well, really quite bad at their jobs.

Let’s start with the photographer. I don’t even remember how we found this woman—I’m sure she was probably a friend of one of my students’ parents.

She was a rather large woman—well over 250 pounds—with long frizzy brown hair that looked like something out of a bad 80’s video. When we first met her, though, she seemed pretty normal, and she shared wedding pictures that she’d taken, that we thought looked nice. But what did we know? Apparently not too much.

After our wedding mass, when it came time to take pictures of everyone, she became the bitchy lady from hell. She became like a drill sergeant, shouting out orders for people to get in and out of pictures, yelling at all of us like we were a bunch of unruly children. Which we weren’t. Mostly.

Then, when we went to take pictures in the park, and there were a bunch of Canadian geese pooping everywhere, she made all the men kneel in goose poop, while we ladies sat on their knees. The men were thrilled about that. Still, the geese wouldn’t leave us alone, so there was a potential for some funny photos.

So a couple of weeks later, after all was said and done, Iwanski and I went to go pick up our pictures. And what do you know? She had the pictures developed AT WALMART! Yes, I said Walmart. I couldn’t believe it when I saw her take pictures out of an envelope, clearly marked “Walmart Photo Department.” Yep, truly rednecky. And she wouldn’t even let us see any of the goose pictures. She said she was keeping them for herself!! Man, we really picked a winner!

But that doesn’t even compare to the DJ and the dressmaker.

The DJ was a parent of one of my students. He worked at a reputable DJ company in the town where we lived, so we thought he was a safe bet. Before we met with him, Iwanski and I came up with a list of several songs that we’d like him to play, if possible.

Then we met with him. We should have known something was off when we walked in and he had framed pictures of Ollie North and Rush Limbaugh on his wall. Ollie North and Rush Limbaugh! But we were already there, so we went over our music suggestions and what we’d like to have for the Grand March (we chose “Truckin’” by the Grateful Dead). Then we said our goodbyes and went out to our car. Iwanski looked at me skeptically. “Why did you pick this guy, again? He had pictures of Ollie North and Rush Limbaugh on his wall.” I sighed. “I know. But I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

But of course, he wasn’t fine. Oh, he played all kinds of crappy music that you hear at most weddings. But the songs on our list? Nope, I don’t think he played any of them. Then it came to our Grand March. Two minutes before we were to start the march, he came up to us and said, “Hey, the CD I have for “Truckin’” has a skip in it.” A skip in it? Really? Then he offered to have his helper-dude go out to a store and look for another recording of Truckin’. Yeah, right! Let’s just hold off on the Grand March while his little cronie goes around at 10:30 at night to try to find a record store that’s even open.

So Iwanski said, “Do you have anything else by the Dead?” (We were huge deadheads back then.) “Um, yeah, let’s see…I have “Touch of Grey,” said the DJ. “OK, ‘Touch of Grey’ is fine,” Iwanski said.

Then Mr. Jerkstore DJ said a statement I will never forget, “OK—is it okay if I mix a little Queen in with that?”

Iwanski looked at him in disgust. “No, it’s not okay.”

The DJ just looked at him, shrugged, and went back to his DJ equipment.

It turned out, “Touch of Grey” was a great Grand March song. Mr. Jerkstore DJ was lucky we liked it. What a crappy DJ!

Still, that was nothing compared to the dressmaker. Ah, the dressmaker. She deserves her own blog posting. That’s how bad she was.

The Dressmaker

I first met the dressmaker when I was working at my summer job at the Boys and Girls Club, a year before our wedding. She had a couple of kids at the Boys and Girls Club, and she would always come and talk with me for a little while before she took her kids home. Frankly, after a day of being with bratty, noisy kids, I was just relieved to have a little adult conversation. So when she told me she was a dressmaker who had made dresses for several weddings before and then showed me some of the pictures, I thought, what the hell. She couldn’t be that bad.

Not that bad? Well, where do I begin…

The first time I drove to her home, I couldn’t believe it. She lived in a trailer with a HALF DOOR. Yes, a half-door—one of those you see in movies about rednecks.

Then I went in the half-door and was immediately attacked by a barrage of dogs and cats. There must have been at least four or five of each. I’m telling you, no one should have that many pets—especially someone who lives in a tiny trailer with a half-door.

Then her kids started hanging on me, while we tried to talk business. She told them to get the f*** away from me. Yeah, that was nice.

Still, she was already done with one of the dresses, and it looked pretty nice to me. So I thought, the dresses are the important thing. And the price. She was only charging $40 per dress. I thought that was pretty reasonable.

Several months later, it was the night before our wedding, and while I was hanging out with some of “the girls” at their hotel, Iwanski’s sister and cousin (who were from out-of-state) drove to the dressmaker’s for a final fitting. Or so they thought.

It turns out, she was only half-finished with their dresses. And as they sat there in the little dingy trailer, with dogs and cats and kids climbing all over them and the dressmaker swearing at all of them, the phone rang.

The dressmaker answered the phone and then got off the phone quickly, a panicked look on her face. “The milk truck’s coming!” she said anxiously.

“Get the f*** outside!” she yelled at her kids.

My future sister-in-law and cousin looked at each other in confusion. Why was a milk truck coming? And why was it such a big deal?

It turns out that the dressmaker had hired a guy to bring a milktruck full of water to fill their above-ground pool, and he was coming in a few minutes.

The problem was that the pool wasn’t up yet.

So she asked them to come outside while she and her kids put up the pool. They sat there on folding chairs in the yard, watching this woman swear at her kids to hold up the sides of the pool correctly.

Then something unbelievable happened.

The dressmaker actually ASKED my future sister-in-law and cousin to HELP HER put up the pool.

And what were they going to say?—No?

No, they were too nice to not help her.

So the night before our wedding, with the bridesmaid dresses only half-done, our dressmaker somehow enlisted the help of my future sister-in-law and cousin to help her put up her pool.

My sister-in-law still laughs about that moment, as she stood there holding up the side of a pool, while this big fat redneck woman screamed obscenities at her children.

All I can say is, it’s a miracle that Iwanski’s sister and cousin forgave me for that one.

I think it just shows what a great family I married into.

Oh, and then the best part of all.

My sister-in-law’s dress was so long that she kept tripping over it all day. So later at the wedding reception, as the dressmaker sat there with her kids (I couldn’t not invite them), my sister-in-law gave her sister a pair of scissors and asked her to cut off the bottom of her dress (which she did). The look of horror on the dressmaker’s face was just priceless.

Yes, it was a truly redneck wedding. But after all was said and done, I’m glad it happened exactly that way. Because no one can ever say that they don’t remember it.

We all laugh when we recall the infamous Iwanski redneck wedding. It was nothing if not memorable.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Thawing Out

Dude, I just saw lightning! Lightning in February—I love it!!

Yes, it’s been warmer here—temps in the 50’s—and I’m slowly thawing out and returning to being normal. Well, maybe not normal…but at least I won’t be writing about bowels for—at least a few days. (My apologies to all my fecalphiliac readers who love reading about bowels.)

(Hell, I could have fecalphiliac readers. You never know.)

Anyway, so I’m feeling much happier and more inspired than I was a few days ago. For starters, I had my yoga class again this week, and this time I don’t feel like my body has been run over by a truck. So this is good. (Progress is good!)

Secondly, I meditated last night for the first time in a while and felt like I really had a good meditation. I had one of those sustained moments where I really wasn’t aware of anything but my breathing. Good stuff.

Then, tonight, Iwanski cooked a steak dinner, complete with garden herb rice and broccoli with cheese sauce. (I loves me some broccoli—particularly smothered in cheese sauce. It’s really the only way to have broccoli, in my opinion.)

So pretty much that’s all it takes for me to be happy. Yoga, meditation, and good food.

Oh, and also not having to wear long underwear. That rocks.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Cantankerous Colon

Today, my boredom has been somewhat relieved. Instead, it has been replaced, apparently, by temporary insanity.

At lunch today, I started to think about my bowels. Yes, apparently I’m obsessed with poo lately. You probably want to stop reading this blog right about now.

What, you’re still there? OK, you asked for it…

When I was a kid—maybe 12 years old—I was diagnosed with “irritable bowel syndrome.” For those of you who don’t know, that basically means that your digestive system either—er, overreacts or underreacts (let’s put it that way) to certain foods and stress. And let me tell you, it was quite a blessing for a pre-teen to have irritable bowel syndrome. As if I didn’t have enough to deal with, what with the pimples and all the body changes and the pathetic lack of self-esteem.

Anyway, so I started thinking about the term “irritable bowel syndrome.”

What would it be like if our bowels (colon) actually got irritated at us? This is what I imagine it would be like.

Me: (scarfing down pizza and chicken wings)

Colon: What?! What’s this?!?! Goddammit! I thought I told you NOT to eat greasy food! And now you have an entire dinner of pizza and chicken wings? What is WRONG with you? I am PISSED OFF! You hear me? PISSED OFF!

Me (belching loudly): Ohhh, I feel so full! Blech!

Colon: See? That’s what you get! I told you lettuce, and you give me sausage and pepperoni! You are an idiot!

Me: I think I’m going to be sick.

Colon: Muhahahahahahaha

Me: Tomorrow, I need to eat a salad.

Colon: I told you, dumbass! No one ever listens to me! What am I, chopped liver? No, I’m the bowels! And I AM IRRITATED!


OK, so this was a lot funnier in my head. I’m telling you, it’s temporary insanity caused by lack of warm weather.

It’s supposed to be a whopping 45 degrees tomorrow—so hopefully I will be back to normal soon.

God, let’s hope so.

Registered Nurse Cures Boredom

Last night, my sister-in-law called me.

Here’s how our conversation started:

Me: Hello?

Her: Carla?

Me: Yeah…?

Her: “Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo! Wee-uu, wee-uu, wee-uu…”

Me: What the--?

Her: Are you still bored?

Me: (Laughing my ass off)

Her: I just had to call and help you not be so bored.


Isn’t that awesome? We should all have such helpful family members, right?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Miss Crabbypants

I am bored as shit right now.

Yes, I am as bored as a piece of poo. I feel like I’m just lying there in the toilet, and just waiting for an exciting flush or something to happen. But nothing is happening. I’m just sitting there, waiting for the flush that just won’t come.

Do you want to know why I’m so freakin’ bored right now?

Well, let’s see.

First of all, the weather is just plain SHIT right now. I woke up this morning and put on my long underwear for the freakin’ 50th time this year, and I thought, “Will it EVER get warm again?”

Then I walked to work to my job where I was asked the same three questions over and over again all day long, and I thought, “Will I ever be inspired again?”

Then I came home to eat a frozen pizza and thought, “Will I ever eat anything really good ever again?”

Then I sat down to watch t.v. and thought, “Will I ever watch anything interesting ever again?”

Please tell me, dear reader, if you’ve ever felt this way before? I know I can’t be the only one…right?